From the Doghouse 2

Ajax here! Your responses are acknowledged, appreciated and are deemed worthy of comment.

Tom: I do not write as Phil writes. Reverse the order please. Phil writes as I write. I taught the boy everything he knows (but not all that I know). Think of it in this manner: As Maggie naps so you nap (I am given to understand that is quite a lot). I do honor your wisdom in changing your vote to me. Thank you for your confidence and regards to Maggie.

The Brumley Clan: Congratulations! As Tom did you are displaying great wisdom (in fact, greater wisdom) in placing your family under the tutelage of a bright and sensible K-9. May God bless you with his long and happy life. Actually, the Border/Yorkie combo, known as “Corkie”, is quite popular in some circles. Thank you, too, for the vote of confidence.

The Davis Ohana: My sincere and heartfelt condolences at the passing of your dear Indy. If unconditional love is the key to Heaven your dog surely awaits you there. Is this not a good reason to pack up and return to Aloha Land?

Anonymous (Donna, I suspect): In a misbegotten attempt to flee your Christian responsibilities you wrote that Phil should find a wife for me. If you read the column you would understand that when it comes to such things my adopted charges are, in the kindest of terms, “weak.” How weak you ask? I want a wife! Easy to understand, correct? So, what do I get? I am currently sharing my home with an 11 year old Golden Retriever with hip displacia, assorted food allergies, skin issues, and a breath that peels paint. Worse, Beau (I refuse to call him Bo – so redneck) is a quasi (used-to-be) male. Do you understand what I am up against? If you have any charity in your soul help me!

Editorial comment: What is it with this fixation to “fix” puppies? When did they start to arrive broken? Indeed, I would argue that your “fixing” is to us “breaking.” Do you really believe God has failed to provide the appropriate hormonal balance for us? It is that delicate chemistry that you are destroying. And for what reason? The underlying issue is not the K-9’s chemistry or the God given drive to procreate. The real issue is that you don’t want to put in the time to interact properly with and discipline your four legged buddy. Instead of time you invest a few dollars and have the vet “alter” them. Yes, I know; dogs are indiscriminate begetters and difficult to discipline. May I point out that is even more true for many teenagers today? Hmmm.

From the Dog House

Greetings my bipedal friends;

No, your correspondent is neither Sandy nor Phil. They are away visiting the lovely island of Kauai and are, intentionally or otherwise, providing yours truly with a well-deserved respite from the endless bickering prompted by that ridiculous “election.” (See the previous entry.) Neither of my “children” will set aside their pride long enough to type a few words.

Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Ajax. I am a border collie. For almost 8 years it has been my arduous assignment to train Phil and Sandy – house break them, if you will. You laugh and think, “Yeah, right. Like a dog can type.” Indeed we “borders” can type. We can also set your VCR’s to record our favorite shows! Can you? The truth is we are far more advanced and sophisticated than humans. As we herd sheep so we herd you sheeples. It isn’t particularly difficult, just a bit of mind control and my bowl is filled with food or the house gets vacuumed or the windows get washed or “they” purchase plane tickets and get out of my fur for a while. In other words, we run the world. Really, someone had to step in and take control. You should be grateful.

As good as we are at mind control there is one area where I have been unable to make an impression upon Phil and Sandy. (Could the fault lie in the poor material over which I am supposed to exercise control?) I am a healthy and intact male pure bred border collie. If I do say so myself, I am noted for my good looks, keen intelligence (obviously) and a winning personality. Can we cut to the chase? I need a wife! I NEED A WIFE! Fifty plus dog years of chastity is too much! Please help me find an appropriate young lady. I would be ever so grateful.

Fervently,

Ajax

PS: By the way, kudos to Mrs. Sue Timmons! You accomplished what few others have been able to do – shut Phil up! Thank you!